Jealousy, Envy, and Friendship Break-Ups

Friendship can be a beautiful and fulfilling part of life. In fact, it directly connects to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, as it helps satisfy our fundamental need for belonging. However, like any other relationship, friendships are not without their challenges. As we grow and evolve, so do our relationships. Sometimes, we set unrealistic expectations for our friends—expecting them to be immune to natural human emotions like jealousy and envy.

Jealousy and envy are often at the heart of painful friendship break-ups. But the truth is, both are normal human emotions. The key is understanding them:

• Jealousy typically involves three people and stems from the fear of losing someone’s affection or attention.
• Envy occurs between two people and arises from wanting something that another person has. There are two types of envy:
  1. I want what you have, too.
  2. I want what you have, and I don’t want you to have it.

As someone who has often been the last in my friend group to experience major life milestones—such as marriage, a financially stable career, or homeownership—I have found myself wondering when my turn will come. There are still experiences I deeply desire, like motherhood, that I have yet to have. At times, I’ve felt sadness and frustration, questioning why my journey seems more difficult or delayed.

I have experienced envy—not the kind that resents my friends for having what they have, but the kind that longs for my own desires to be fulfilled. Similarly, I have felt jealousy—the fear of losing connection as my friends share life experiences that I have not yet had. Feeling left out can be painful, and it’s natural to wonder, When will it be my turn?

However, how we respond to these emotions determines whether they strengthen or damage our friendships. Here’s what I’ve learned:

• When I feel envy due to a misalignment between my reality and my desires, I focus on setting new goals that align with what I can create for myself in the present.
• When I feel jealousy and fear losing a friend, I reflect on what’s missing in our relationship and find ways to reconnect.
• When I feel left out because I’m not experiencing the same milestones as my friends, I seek out relationships where I do share common experiences.

Friendships, like all relationships, require self-awareness, communication, and grace. Friendship break-ups are devastating and often preventable. We can mitigate the unintended emotional harm we cause others, in our interpersonal relationships, when we acknowledge our emotions without shame. This allows us to navigate them in healthy ways—keeping our friendships intact rather than letting them fall apart.