Embracing My Inner Truth: A Journey of Self-Awareness and Recovering from People-Pleasing

Navigating relationships and personal beliefs can often feel like walking a tightrope. We are constantly balancing our own needs and preferences with the expectations of those around us. During emotionally vulnerable times, this balance can tip, leading us to make decisions that betray our true selves. This blog post explores a personal experience during the pandemic that highlighted my struggle with people-pleasing and the journey towards embracing my inner truth.

During the pandemic, I was having dinner (at home) with my on-again-off-again/it’s-complicated boyfriend at the time. He was preparing duck and duck fat sweet potato fries. Sounds delicious, right? The only issue was that I had been pescatarian for about a decade. I had also internalized external narratives surrounding me being “difficult.” At the time, I believed my being “difficult” was the reason for the inconsistency in the relationship. So, I decided my eating preferences were an extension of that. I chose to “go with the flow,” which meant betraying myself and going with his flow to keep external peace. I chose to prioritize external peace over internal peace. And so, I ate duck.

Surprisingly, I did not feel any physiological changes—only the psychological harm caused by self-betrayal. This experience concretized a part of myself that I thought I had long ago addressed: people-pleasing. I was reminded that this part of me still manifests during times of emotional turmoil. I began to believe that I must show up the way others expect me to, or I am not worthy.

I recently reflected on this experience while chatting with one of my closest friends. He began laughing hysterically and said, “Danielle, I can’t believe you did that! You do not eat meat!” He laughed because I don’t present as a perfectionist or people-pleaser. In fact, I present as a bit of a disruptor—comfortable in the things that make me different and unique. We both had a good laugh as I explained to him that when I am in a state of emotional vulnerability, I get further and further away from myself and map other people’s ideas of who I am or should be onto me.

It’s a part of myself that I feel a lot of shame around, so I rarely share this struggle outside of my work with my therapist. This is why my close friend had no idea. At the time, I was healing from the emotional pain of my on-again-off-again relationship, the death of my aunt, a recent diagnosis of my cousin’s aggressive form of breast cancer, and the loneliness and isolation of COVID lockdown. Life felt really hard. But when I engaged in self-betrayal by eating duck to seem less “difficult” to someone else, I realized it was time to turn inward.

People-pleasing as an attempt to appear “less difficult” is a silent struggle that I am always managing. It takes form in small ways that often go unnoticed. For example, if I go to dinner with friends, I rarely make a suggestion on where to dine; I try to “go with the flow.”

I recently read Whoopi Goldberg’s memoir, and in it, she shares that as a kid, when she would ask her mom deep existential questions about concepts like spirituality, her mother would ask her, “Why do you want to know? Are you asking to form your own opinion?” I think this is such an interesting way to foster a child’s ability to listen to their voice within and to have confidence in their own thoughts and opinions.

Going with the flow always clouds my inner voice and stifles my confidence in my thoughts and opinions. Practicing self-awareness helps me identify when I am straying away from myself and going with the flow of others, and against the flow of myself. When I feel this incongruency, I realize that it’s time to focus on myself. Focusing on myself provides me with the internal clarity I need to make the proper adjustments to my life to support my emotional well-being. This can take on many forms like therapy, mindfulness and meditation practices, solo dinners, intellectual stimulation through reading and podcasts, daily movement, and getting creative (new project, new hobby).

Living in the awareness of the constant truth within requires consistent self-reflection and self-care. It’s about recognizing the moments when we compromise our values and understanding why we do so. By turning inward and prioritizing our inner peace, we can better navigate our relationships and life challenges. This journey of self-awareness is ongoing, but it’s essential for maintaining our emotional health and staying true to who we are.